TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have An additional place wherever American Guys can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: give Absolutely everyone a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft energy," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he ought to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after getting the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is now attracting attention from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In Trump Tower Damascus keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have flip-down service."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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